Ex-Mediacorp Artist Sharon Au Opens Up About Her Depression And PTSD After 2011 Earthquake In Japan
When the black dog (of depression) starts howling, you know you got to leash it.
In an open letter to public on Chinese daily Zaobao (where she's a regular contributor), ex-Mediacorp artist Sharon Au opens up and comes clean about her struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression. The post is titled Escaping From The Clutches Of Depression.
Here's the full post:
31 March 2011. I was on my way back to Singapore after studying abroad in Japan but I couldn't stop crying when I board the plane. I didn't eat, I didn't drink. I was crying so bad that I was woke the passengers around me and the cabin crew attending to me even thought one of my family members had passed away.
She secretly transferred me from economy to business class, gave me a box of tissues and told me that there aren't a lot of people in the section so I could just let my tears out.
Looking back, it was a long 7 hours flight back to Singapore and I'm really thankful for the cabin crew who took such great care of me. I remember crying so much I fell asleep in exhaustion but as our plane approached Changi Airport, the stewardess told me: "Welcome back to Singapore. You are home." That sentence undoubtedly struck a chord in me and tears swelled up in my eyes again.
What I miss the most was my 'family' in Japan.
Photo from Sharon Au
We've just experienced the March 11 Tohoku earthquake and tsunami; one that came for us with a 9.1 magnitude.
I should have stayed with my 'family' through it all but no, I was on my way back home to Singapore; escaping while they struggled to pick up the pieces. I felt like a coward.. I was like a weak kid who ran back to her mother's arms after getting into trouble. I felt horrible.
The then me were so arrogant I thought there can't possibly be anything that can hold me back; not even this episode.
I then got myself together by the second day I was back home and reported back to work at Mediacorp. The following day on 1 April, I had a back-to-back magazine shoot cum interview, which I eventually became the cover girl for. Again, I didn't think much of things. I thought to myself: Living in a fast-paced city like Singapore, I can definitely move on and feel better.
But I was wrong. Not only did I not recover, I slipped into depression.
There's this once when I was in the midst of a meeting with five bosses and... everything in my vision started 'shaking' and 'tilting'. In order to prevent myself from 'falling', both my hands grabbed hold of the table in front of me and I wanted to crouch down and seek shelter under the table for this was what I learned in Japan- to hide under anything I could find shelter in when an earthquake happens.
I was so scared I even asked my bosses: Do you guys feel it? How is it possible for earthquakes to happen in Singapore?!
I remember vividly the look they gave me when I said that. It was at that moment when I knew that I've gone crazy.
My two visits to the Doctor's
That day, I resolved to see a doctor but I was afraid of being discovered by people and that they would say "Sharon Au is crazy." so I went to visit a psychiatrist near my workplace.
The moment I reached the clinic, the receptionist shouted my name in excitement and even asked for a photo with me. The other patient who was waiting for her turn to see the Doctor looked up at me before turning away to look down at her bag.
I awkwardly posed for a photo with the receptionist and spun a lie saying that I was busy so I shall not see the doctor today. She stopped me and asked "But I thought you're sick?" I quickly lied and said "No, no, no. I just wanted to do some research for my new role. I'm not sick." and left.
The moment I left, I ran straight for my car and started crying uncontrollably. I was lost... I've gone crazy... But I can't see a doctor. The only person I could rely on is myself..
A month later, whatever will I had in me couldn't suppress my suicidal thoughts. I rationally told myself that I had to find medication for myself. Just like how I would take flu tables when I catch a cold, there must be a medicine for my depression.
A close friend whom I spoke to brought me to see a specialist. She told me the he was an experienced psychiatrist and that I could trust him so I went ahead and set an appointment. When I arrived, I realised that there were many other patients waiting in line who were just like me except that most of them lived in their own world. They didn't care who anyone else were and no one recognised who I was. That's when I realised that I could finally be saved.
After waiting for 30mins, it was finally my turn. I knocked the door before entering and was pleasantly greeted by a 70-year-old. I greeted him and said hello but he didn't look at me once. In fact, his eyes were focused on the computer next to him. This is our conversation:
"Feeling depressed?"
"Yes."
"Why are you depressed?"
"I don't know."
"When did it started?"
"3 months ago when I came back from Japan. It could be because I miss Japan."
"You miss Japan? Don't you know the Japanese killed a lot of people?"
I was stunned after his last sentence. 40 minutes after the consultation, my mind went blank. I know that he went through the second world war and that I was still stuck in my past life as a student in Japan. But it was then when I realised that it was hopeless for the two of us.
Getting myself together
Seven years down the road, I've slowly walked out of that dark phase. Learning more about my sickness and coming to terms with it helped me get out of my traumatic mind, loosen up and got myself together.
I learned how to love myself a little more and did things that made me happy and that's how I managed to pull through this ordeal.
I'm sharing my experience with you in hopes that you guys will not repeat the mistake I made. Put aside your ego, pride (and whatever you call it) and seek help. Help can come in many forms and it could be as simple as confiding in a friend.
Your mental health is more important than your pride so remember, seeking help doesn't mean that you're weak. It means that you're strong enough to climb out of the abyss and this is courage.
She also shared the article on Instagram:
Remember, if you need a listening ear, there's always one for you.
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Text by: Girlstyle SG
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